Clear the Waters

“Never trust a woman with a really clean house,” my mom likes to say, and we joke about how angry someone would have to be to scrub every inch so thoroughly.

I do like to clean up my space when I am feeling frustrated, confused, overwhelmed. Clear up my surroundings to help clear up my insides – as without, so within!

And it is easy for me to throw myself into cleaning and organizing, purging and rearranging, when I am angry. It feels almost frantic, like I need to regain control of something, I need something to be in order – and as quickly as possible.

I feel I am a mess right now. I’ve been through a lot of changes, a lot of challenge lately (many stories for many other times, probably). A lot of it is very positive! A lot of things I have worried about have been coming together. I have many things to feel good about, many things to feel very thankful for, usually I am walking around with a full heart. Overflowing, even.

But one person can only handle so much. Perhaps I have burst open a bit. Perhaps it’s hard to keep growing and evolving, to keep creating and keep moving when I am adjusting to working, having so many new demands on my time and energy.

So I’ve felt strained and distracted, easily frustrated. And my kids, too, have seemed to be stressed and a lot less patient and cooperative. My house feels like it is exploding with half finished projects and half tidied messes. Energy so scattered, so distracting, so disturbing.

I’ve been struggling with my desire to reach out almost as a way to detach. I want to give myself some grace, some reprieve, some rest – but I can’t just turn away from what has become a burning pile all around me.

I’ve decided to follow my compulsion to do some deep cleaning and decluttering, and then I plan to cleanse the energy around here with some dried herbs I was gifted by a lovely friend.

I started going through the kids’ toys the other day, with a donate box and a garbage bag, expecting that I was going to ruthlessly cut a chunk out of their abundant bits and pieces that spill out all over the house.

I did do some cleaning, find a few things to go, got some of it organized and put away, but it had very little effect. I get stuck on their toys, now. I have decluttered them so very many times. There are so many playsets that they actually use and appreciate.

In the end, I stashed a bit more things away. We happen to have a crawl space that I can hide things in, in previous houses I would stack boxes up in closets. At least, not having all their things accessible at once limits the amount of mess that can happen at once time.

I have stuck away more toys three times in the last few months, now I do feel like I can see the difference. Whether it will change the amount of mess, only time will tell.

I’m reminding myself that clearing space takes time. I am following through with this urge, though, and honoring Imbolc in this way – I am spring cleaning! Snow be damned! I am clearing space so we can grow!

As a gesture of self care, I have cleaned under my fridge and my stove today. I spent a fair amount of time this afternoon putting things back in place, and wiping some areas I don’t usually get to.

I still feel on edge a bit more than I would like.

I still feel some uncertainty about what I need most from myself right now, and how I can accomplish more regular maintenance on myself than crisis management when I burn out.

But, I have taken a step! I am doing what I can, taking more responsibility for my space and working on getting my kids to take more responsibility for themselves, as well.

I will update again as things progress!

Thanks all, please feel free to share your own adventures in deep cleaning and/or stress release!

Mabon 2017

I’ve spent a lot of time feeling like I was catching up with myself, and I feel so much closer now, like I have it at times.

But it still takes a big push here and there, and periods of climbing and climbing, balancing, juggling. Layering each accomplishment on top of another there and trying not to let them all fall, because the work I am doing now is training new habits, new routines, new rituals.

I’ve never accomplished much with spring cleaning. Sometimes I feel the urge a bit, but after a long winter, when the air grows warm and I can see green again I just want to go outside and play.

But the fall is another story.

Before I settle in for winter I do a lot of space clearing, in preparation for being nestled in with nowhere else to go for months and months.

Now on Mabon, on this Autumn Equinox, I am seven months pregnant, in the thick of a magical undertaking and some personal transformations, and I am following the seasons so much more closely.

And leading up to this day I’ve spent a lot of time and energy pushing to get to the bottom of the clutter in the house. Pushing to get to the bottom of my reluctance to wash the dishes and fold the clothes. Pushing to find my balance between time and space for myself and serving the people I love, and myself, with actions of home making full of care and attention.

I’ve gotten so much done, compared to the mayhem that used to creep in whenever I let my guard down months, years past, I now feel like I do not have much more catching up to do. I can maintain while I finish the last little details. And I really feel like I can keep it up this time.

But I am so tired. So worn down, I’ve worked so hard. And while I appreciate the result of my efforts in the state of my home at least, on this day of thankfulness I found myself feeling a lot of lack that surprised me.

I realize I have not tended my friendships like I used to, perhaps before I had kids, and I have difficulty now reaching out to others when I need them, or having them serendipitously show up at the right time. It’s a bit like we’re all a little distracted by our own whirlwinds.

And I haven’t been the most patient, the most encouraging with my kids lately, pushing them to just fall in line with what is easier for me, and I felt the fallout from that today, too.

I was so excited to celebrate my own harvest, to share the merriment with my family and friends. But I noticed a lot of what I didn’t do instead.

And I suppose along with counting my blessings, which I still intend to do as I think it is so important and I know they are many, I need to listen to all that is creeping out of my shadows to be heard. As the days grow shorter than the nights from here on, I need to work with the hidden and hurt parts of myself, my fears and my failures, just as much as I need to bask in my achievements and the luck I’ve had.

So that’s my wish for myself tonight, and for you too should you want it – that we may find the balance between the pleasures and the pain in our lives. That we may see the value in the challenges and mistakes as well as in the success and the comforts. That we may recognize and accept both sides as they appear to us, without undue judgement or avoidance.

I wish that we may be open to the wonder that is there for us to enjoy, and that we be open to experiencing our sorrows as well, without getting stuck there.

I wish you all the best as you turn into your own cozy dens of winter, and I so look forward to emerging refreshed and inspired once again in the spring.

Blessed be!