She stood, proud and defiant in the centre of her sacred chamber.

Her eyes burning wildly, jaw set firm even as she spoke,

“You do not get to speak to me of vulgarity. You who count your wives among your possessions, guarding jealously, pushing your daughters into modesty and shame.

You do not get to tell me what the holy wants from me. Your temples reek of hypocrisy and greed.

You who spit at me and shout your shame into my face. You know nothing of the work I do. You know nothing of the sacred and profane.”

The intruders steeled themselves against their fear of self realization, not willing to back down and lay their fragile egos on the line.

But still, she spoke, with a strangely gentle conviction,

“I will not bow meekly down into the service of your King. I surrender my body to a higher calling. This is a place of sanctuary, and your forcefulness is not welcome here.”

This had been her home, her oasis. She had touched the tendrils of many weary spirits there. She had enlivened, emboldened, healed and revealed with the energy that ran through her flesh.

But one man just would not open himself up to the source, and had become fixated on her as a means to such radiant energy that he could not get for himself.

Now he was angry. He had not expected to be spurned. He was not about to allow anyone to deny him his claim.

She had never known danger like this before. Her skills were disarming, her diplomacy was extraordinary, but this was a new territory.

Now her very way of life was seen as an insult by a very sour man who exerted a great deal of control over her people.

She had watched them feeding off each others fear, lashing out, wasting away ever more since his rise into power.

Now he was getting desperate, and she was not sure how she should stand her ground.

“I’m not waiting,”

She turned away to face the skyline, the summer sunset gave her silhouette a warm glow.

“I can’t just sit and hold my breath anymore. I’ve had such colossal dreams…and I could never figure out how to take the first steps…”

Her eyes cast down to the ground.

“I wanted your help. I wanted all of you with me. I felt like I couldn’t do it by myself. I felt like I could not do anything…”

She lifted her head and turned to face you again, her eyes shooting sparks into the shadows of your heart.

“But you were never the answer for me. No one was. Every person I have ever met was just as lost as I was, in their own dark forest of the heart. And the more I tried to lean on you, on anyone, the more I got let down. I lost so much trust. I started to believe I wasn’t worthy, wasn’t wanted. I felt like no one could help me…”

Her trembling lip cracked into a grin and as her smile reached up to lift the corners of her eyes a single tear rolled down one cheek.

“…and that was the best thing that ever could have happened. It’s the truth. And as much as I feared coming upon such a truth, once I recognized it as it was, I stopped resisting it. There was nothing left to fight…”

She glanced over her shoulder again, as the Sun slipped behind the trees.

“I stopped my frantic searching. I knew what I was looking for was not anywhere out there. It hurt, it hurt a lot, but….I just stopped. Everything stopped. I had to really sit with myself and take a good look at what was going on, and…”

Her voice broke just for a moment, with a breathy whimper and a sigh.

“…I saw it all. I saw my insecurity, the human frailty I had pushed so far back. All the pain I had hidden myself away from. The guilt. The shame. I didn’t know there would be so much shame…”

A bird sang a lonely song in the distance.

“It was such an avalanche of stories and sensations. It kept me knocked back and kneeled before my broken pieces for such a long time. I felt like I was reliving all of it. I thought I was in over my head, I tried to stuff some of it back down, but then….I don’t know….something just snapped.”

She smiled at you again, radiating a warmth from deep inside that seemed to cast aside the chill of the approaching night.

“I guess I hit the bottom of the pile, and underneath that mess of monsters and nightmares I found myself.”

Her cheeks flushed ever so slightly.

“That’s the only way I can think to describe it. That is all it was. I spent so much time waiting for some magical person or some moment of epiphany to lift me out of my inadequacy, it didn’t even occur to me that my longing, my sense of something missing came from something so simple.”

She leaned back, letting her weight rest on her arms outstretched behind her.

“And then I knew, I really knew that it was going to be okay. That I would be just fine. And there are still problems, life is a series of challenges, right? But…I don’t feel afraid anymore. I am not afraid to see where I am really at. To take my own steps, even if I stumble….”

The sky darkened, and the frogs in the pond could be heard in the quiet of the twilight.

“So I have not been waiting anymore. I know that I don’t need to. I know that I don’t need anyone….but I am glad that you are here, now.”

She leaned in a little closer, spoke a bit more softly.

“It is nice to be remembered. And I want you to know that I understand…”

And she took your hand.

The incessant din of muffled voices grated against her agitated nerves. She retreated deeper into the cave, into the safe silence and dark. It did not welcome her like before. The silence was deafening, mocking, echoing the distant shouts and laughter etched deep into her memory.

Once there was something more than this. A deep, radiating warmth. Excitement. Pounding rhythms and bodies twirling in ecstasy. Open hands on outstretched arms. Voices in unison. Scattered images and flashes of emotion flitted around in her mind.

Her trepidation faded into the background where it remained as nothing but a distant whisper lost behind the quickened pounding of her heart. She looked down at the still, lonely pool of water and saw no reflection for lack of light.

She tried to remember Before, tugging at threads of memories asking herself what the danger had been. What had she barricaded herself away from, and why?

A flash of fire, words spoken in anger, fists raised in fury…so distant. She could no longer find the scars upon her heart and her hands.

The pain of hiding overcame the fear of exposure. She put all of her weight into the boulder at the opening, pushing it aside. Squinting at the bright unknown, she stepped out into the light.

The forest around her was engulfed in flames. The thick smoke was noxious and suffocating. With the tears in  her eyes flowing so quickly she could no longer see the ruined, dying landscape about her, she reached instinctively for the pouch tied around her neck.

Time was forgotten as she pulled the cord and the pouch slid open. She reached inside for the first time. She found nothing but a quaint blue stone which glistened intensely as reflections of the surrounding flames danced on it’s fractured surface.

She felt a glimmer of apprehension as she closed her hand around the stone, a shadow of worry that perhaps it was worthless, and all was lost. But in her desperation, second guesses and doubt held no weight, all there was to do was believe. So she did.

She closed her eyes and focused all of her attention on the little stone in her palm. Thick tendrils of cold wrapped around her fingers, then up her wrist, and her arm. Soon they had spiralled all around her. All was forgotten – the forest, the fire, the ruin, the pain. Absolute silence. Frozen in a welcome embrace. Now she could rest.