I made a colouring page to share! Just save/download the image and print it off!
Follow the link for the PDF!
spring fairy colouring page
Here is a version my oldest coloured herself:
Month: March 2017
Card of the Day – Bear
Today, I pulled the Bear Card, signifying strength.
Sometimes bears are portrayed as quite fearsome. I know I would not want to find myself in a fight with one. But I think of their strength as more complex than just muscle mass.
The biggest common bear imagery I can think of is the mama bear. Fiercely protective of her young. You should never step in between the two! But that strength comes from a place of love, and protection.
As hibernating animals, bears can also signify periods of withdrawing to conserve ones energy. We are sometimes warned not to wake the bear, and in that statement we relate our own way of lashing out when our rest is interrupted.
Bear can guide you to protect your own home, your own sanctuary or that of your family. It is okay to take space for yourself, and it is okay to be grumpy sometimes. Just be mindful as to whether the threats to your safety or security are real or imagined. You can take urges for self-defence in mundane situations as clues that something else is going on, beneath your own surface. Then perhaps a time of introspection is needed, or a filling up of your own reserves.
As we are closer to spring time here, I’d like to add that some of us may be feeling like we are waking up from our own hibernation. We are stirring and wanting to move, and feel the Sun on our faces. We are hungry for the warmth! But it is still just a little out of reach, and that may be making us all a little ornery. Be mindful of your place in the seasons!
Alone
She sat, cross legged
At the edge of the field
Staring past the treeline
Into the deep, dark of the forest.
She waited,
A picture of calm,
But her pulse quickened
And the beating of her heart
Throbbed with the rhythm
Of a reckless dance around a fire,
Where spirits run heavy
And feet run light.
She waited,
Knowing that something in that darkness
Was looking back
But no face emerged,
No voice rose from the stillness,
From the haze of the twilight.
Not even her own.
She stood slowly
And turned abruptly
And walked back home, alone.
Faeries and Monsters
I used to believe in faeries. At least, I think I did. I know I wanted to.
I haven’t told my daughters that faeries are real, yet. I don’t want them to think that the monsters they imagine are real, too. Like I used to.
I remember hearing tales of pixies in the tree leaves, and of hell hounds in the forest at night.
I spent a lot of time dreaming, playing, enjoying, but I remember a lot of time spent worrying and wondering, too.
And some things don’t really change. Maybe they concentrate with age. I see a lot of fear in myself, still.
And I haven’t been believing quite so much, and I haven’t been playing quite enough.
I’ve been worrying and wondering about the monsters.
About the ache in the space where I used to be connected to my magical family tree.
About the time with them I missed that left me hardening my shell for the sake of survival.
About the anger that rises up inside of me when I don’t feel like I have everything figured out and running predictably.
About the fear of not measuring up and the difficulty in admitting that by asking for support.
And mostly, so often, I am worrying and wondering about my kids.
Why they are suddenly whiny, why they are annoying each other, why they can’t just share, why my oldest panics when things don’t go her way, why my youngest can’t just leave some things alone, why they both want my attention when I seem least able to give it, why they drag their feet getting ready, why they run away when I try to talk to them….
And I think, well, it must be that I have left the TV on a little too much, and I condemn myself a little.
It must be because this place is so cluttered, they can’t relax, and I feel frustrated with my inability to get on top of the never-ending mess.
I think, it must be because of all that junk food, maybe I should have made lunch a little earlier, they haven’t been eating enough greens… and I wish I had more talent and passion for food, that I could prioritize it.
It must be because they lack consistency, they went to bed too late, and I struggle to force us into a rhythm only to fall back out, again and again and again…
And when I blame the TV, I turn it off suddenly and in anger, in a great big huff.
And when I blame the mess, I rant angrily about how they have contributed to it, how they can’t seem to help enough.
And no matter what external condition I try to point the finger at, my discomfort is coming from deep inside. A pile of crumbs, a junk food lunch, those are not monsters. And what I am really lashing out at when I try to fight those things is my kids. And they are not monsters…
It’s been really hard grieving and doing this healing work while being a mother to young children.
And I catch myself feeling like I need to work so hard, strain, live up to these expectations to insulate us from harm, from fear, from uncertainty.
But the monsters still come.
The only thing making my kids act out is me. My disconnection, my anger, my impatience. My monsters.
And they don’t really need a beautifully orchestrated daily rhythm, the greatest of all foods made from scratch all the time, a tidy minimalist sanctuary, or a world completely free from media to feel content and happy.
They need me. They need me to be present with them. To accept them, to accept their feelings. To accept the ways that they show me what they need, however messy. To care for them. To stand firm in the centre of the bad days and bad feelings, and to play and to laugh with them, without fear.
My children need me to show them all about the faeries.
And I need for my children to help me remember that they exist.
Pendulum Swings in Perfectionist Parenting
I’ve been reflecting a lot on what seems to be a boom and bust cycle I have been going through, in terms of parenting and households ambitions.
There are a lot of ideals I hold. I have been wanting to practice more discipline with myself, more regular cleaning, more rhythm and schedule to our days that we can feel more confident and content within. And I had so many ideas about what I should be doing – what kind of food I should be cooking, how present I should be, what kind of days I should be guiding the kids through.
And I have been having so much trouble pushing myself to be more productive in so many different areas at once. I would get some motivation, have some days without TV, wake up a bit earlier, get more time outside, have more regular meals. But I would burn out very quickly, feel like I was pushing just a little bit too hard. And instead of easing off into moderation, I would just slack off completely and we would have times of too much indulgence, too much distraction, too much mess. And any relief I might feel from giving up on trying so hard to live up to those expectations would soon be replaced by frustration about clutter, sticky floors, kids acting out after too much media, days gone by feeling like I hadn’t really done enough.
I still can’t be sure if my discomforts at those times of rest and leisure are because I really want and need more structure to function, or just because I feel like I am not good enough when we are eating commercial food, don’t have everything organized and cleaned, and aren’t having Pinterest-worthy days full of crafts and love and magic.
Since I got past my initial parenting phase of being way too tuned into my child and not having any interests or projects outside of her, I have felt bursting with ambition and creativity to work on my own things again. And that seems to be where I have the most trouble balancing my parenting goals with my personal ones – if I want to have adequate time and opportunity for self-care as well as creative expression and to pay attention to my own interests, it seems that I need to sometimes leave the tv on, or let the kids make a mess, or let my high standard of routine and cleanliness slide. But sometimes I let it slide just a little too far, finding I want to lose myself in my own work like I could before I had kids.
This brings me to notice the divide that still exists in me, between what I think of myself as an individual, and how I see myself as a parent. I would love to work to bridge those two aspects of myself, and find ways to live a magical and creative life as a parent, instead of feeling like I need to compartmentalize everything, and totally shirk off my responsibilities to do things that make me feel good.
I am working on finding a balance, here. I am trying to be more honest and more realistic with myself about what I really need to do, what I can do. And looking more at my particular skills. I really believe that I can have a lush creative life and be more present with my kids. As long as I am not spreading myself too thin in other areas, too!
So I’ve been easing off on the push to perfect all the crunchy, connected, spiritual parent things. Trying to worry less about accomplishing the external things that I have convinced myself that I need to do to be doing a good job at this. And I have let things slide just a bit too much into indulgence, it seems, but even though I would like to do just a little better than I seem to be right now, I have been open to having a lot more fun with my kids. I have been managing to keep the house and my kids from falling apart, and I’ve still been able to get involved with a lot of crafts, writing projects and social collaborations.
I am learning to trust that movements towards healthier eating and better schedules can happen for me, without me trying to work them all out and force them to happen. But for now, I am learning to be content with my own gifts, and my own challenges, and am noticing the ways in which I am still appreciated and valued. And the ways that I appreciate and value myself! As a creative, mindful parent. As a sort of philosophical writer. As a friend, a partner, a family member.
I’ll be sharing a lot more of this journey as it develops. It is still hard for me to feel like I don’t seem to have things under control. But trying to act as if I do, to put on that show is a lot harder. And I much prefer being in the swing of things. I am really excited to see how this might work for us!