Month: September 2017

Mabon 2017

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I’ve spent a lot of time feeling like I was catching up with myself, and I feel so much closer now, like I have it at times.

But it still takes a big push here and there, and periods of climbing and climbing, balancing, juggling. Layering each accomplishment on top of another there and trying not to let them all fall, because the work I am doing now is training new habits, new routines, new rituals.

I’ve never accomplished much with spring cleaning. Sometimes I feel the urge a bit, but after a long winter, when the air grows warm and I can see green again I just want to go outside and play.

But the fall is another story.

Before I settle in for winter I do a lot of space clearing, in preparation for being nestled in with nowhere else to go for months and months.

Now on Mabon, on this Autumn Equinox, I am seven months pregnant, in the thick of a magical undertaking and some personal transformations, and I am following the seasons so much more closely.

And leading up to this day I’ve spent a lot of time and energy pushing to get to the bottom of the clutter in the house. Pushing to get to the bottom of my reluctance to wash the dishes and fold the clothes. Pushing to find my balance between time and space for myself and serving the people I love, and myself, with actions of home making full of care and attention.

I’ve gotten so much done, compared to the mayhem that used to creep in whenever I let my guard down months, years past, I now feel like I do not have much more catching up to do. I can maintain while I finish the last little details. And I really feel like I can keep it up this time.

But I am so tired. So worn down, I’ve worked so hard. And while I appreciate the result of my efforts in the state of my home at least, on this day of thankfulness I found myself feeling a lot of lack that surprised me.

I realize I have not tended my friendships like I used to, perhaps before I had kids, and I have difficulty now reaching out to others when I need them, or having them serendipitously show up at the right time. It’s a bit like we’re all a little distracted by our own whirlwinds.

And I haven’t been the most patient, the most encouraging with my kids lately, pushing them to just fall in line with what is easier for me, and I felt the fallout from that today, too.

I was so excited to celebrate my own harvest, to share the merriment with my family and friends. But I noticed a lot of what I didn’t do instead.

And I suppose along with counting my blessings, which I still intend to do as I think it is so important and I know they are many, I need to listen to all that is creeping out of my shadows to be heard. As the days grow shorter than the nights from here on, I need to work with the hidden and hurt parts of myself, my fears and my failures, just as much as I need to bask in my achievements and the luck I’ve had.

So that’s my wish for myself tonight, and for you too should you want it – that we may find the balance between the pleasures and the pain in our lives. That we may see the value in the challenges and mistakes as well as in the success and the comforts. That we may recognize and accept both sides as they appear to us, without undue judgement or avoidance.

I wish that we may be open to the wonder that is there for us to enjoy, and that we be open to experiencing our sorrows as well, without getting stuck there.

I wish you all the best as you turn into your own cozy dens of winter, and I so look forward to emerging refreshed and inspired once again in the spring.

Blessed be!

Filled

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From where does this new tenderness creep,

As the air outside grows colder?

As I count the treasures I intend to keep,

And cast a glance over my shoulder…

What has cut me open so wide and deep;

What hopes to step inside?

What whispers to me as I sleep

That by daylight still does hide?

As I recount now what I’ve seen,

What I’ve gathered and have earned,

I wonder just what I can make,

And how far my wheel has turned.

I see now what I’ve left behind,

And know what I hope will stay.

Now, I wonder what will fill the space

Of what I dug out and burned away…

As the nights grow long and cold

I hope we’ll have warmth to share.

And when the days are short and lonely,

I hope we’ll find new ways to care.

As I look forward to the slowing down,

Time of stillness and retreat –

As I sense the stirring deep inside

Of the parts of myself I’ve yet to meet –

I’m grateful for all that has passed

And for what is coming still,

And I start to taste what I’ve been brewing

And look forward to being filled.

 

Decluttering Challenge #5: the Craft Room, Play Room, Office!

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After a long break I dug into the biggest, most mixed up mess of all. I was actually hoping to put this one off until close to last, but it seemed like things that should have had a place to be tucked away in here were spilling out all over the house.

I must confess I still have some things to do in here although I am calling completion on at least getting all the little random piles and things out of control and organizing the closet. I think I’ll continue to pull out more to get rid of as I am able.

So this is a multi purpose room and the closet especially had become a place where any random old thing was stuffed when it didn’t fit anywhere else. And with the kids toys and crafty things in here, it turns into a mess very easily.

My goals here were:

-organize craft supplies

-organize board games, video games and accessories

-tidy and file or recycle papers

-toss any broken junk and take out anything for donation

Here it is before:

The kids play area was a bit of a disaster, probably worse than the blurry picture there shows. And the closet and desk were overflowing with clutter and the closet was a mess.

So! I went through my craft drawers at the bottom first. I set aside some supplies I really don’t need or want, boxed up some of my messier things I use less often to get them out of reach of toddler hands, recycled some scraps of paper and made room in the drawers for things that really needed to be stored.

I went through the rest of the closet and found two bags and a box of yarn and string that was meant to be passed to a friend ages ago.

I pulled out dozens of kids drawings and paintings, piles and piles of them, and found a couple worth keeping and recycled the mass of them.

I used some empty boxes to store some more of the games and some of the magic cards so things fit on the upper shelves a little better.

I went through all the little random things lying around and put them where they needed to go.

I went through the drawers in the desk and rearranged some things so they made more sense.

I put some of the kids toys where they belong.

I had to pause to go to sleep last night, this is what it looked like partway through:

So this morning I went back in and finished filing a few papers, took out the garbage off the floors and swept and finished putting the toys and such away.

And I took the last few little things out of the closet so everything in there has a place.

Again, it’s not perfect, but so much more manageable now!

Here it is after:

So that’s that!

I think I might actually get more done in the living room and bathrooms today so I might have more very soon!

I felt like slowing down after the first few areas, but now that it is getting colder here I really want to get through this before it starts to feel like winter!

And I wanna get the clutter clear so I can work some more good feelings into our decor and arrangements!

Stay tuned for more!

To Bend or Break: a Pause

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Greetings to you strange friends and friendly strangers! I took a bit of a break from my decluttering extravaganza. I spent some days catching up on other things that needed my attention and tried to include myself in that!

I feel like I have been through a bit of a whirlwind. Time is passing quickly. I still sometimes feel like I have so far to go, so much to do, but I can see more tangibly now what I have accomplished in even a short time lately, and that feels so good.

We’ve been working on establishing a bona fide bedtime routine, and we’re not quite at the sleep time I would most appreciate, but it is so much better than it was and still seems to be shifting earlier, ever so slowly. Without much strain I guess, now that the kids are usually asleep before I get too burnt out.

There are times when I decide something is really important and I just put all of my energy into it, even when it doesn’t come naturally or when it seems like a big effort. I just give it everything I have and try to make it happen. Go through the motions and strain myself to get as close to the mark as I can. And when I’m doing that and I experience any set back, any delay or any complication, it feels so awful.

And I’ve had some nights lately where I sat in the dark for over an hour waiting for a child to stop squirming and fall asleep. Nights when I didn’t want to read any stories by the time we started. Nights where I didn’t want to nurse at all, but tried to offer it as long as I could possibly stand to buy an easier transition into sleep, to be able to walk away a little sooner. Nights where I was hoping to catch up on the dishes, on my studies, on some quiet project or another after the kids were asleep, but found myself so exhausted by that time that I couldn’t do anything meaningful at all.

It’s part of that perpetual cycle I find myself in, always feeling like I am catching up or making up for something, never quite finished. Wanting to focus on one thing at a time, but feeling unable to prioritize. Because when I am going through clothes to donate, the dishes pile up. When I’m cleaning up the kitchen, toys and books are getting dumped out. When I’m cleaning up the play areas, a wall somewhere is getting colored on. When I’m working away at something stained or broken, the kids get too hungry and start fighting. When I’m making lunch, they want my attention. When they have my attention, the laundry piles up.

And there is this dance to it all, sometimes I’m paying attention to what is right in front of me and I take the right steps, things fall into place as well as they can and things are taken care of in time.

But sometimes, often really, the scope of it all is so overwhelming that I try to force things at the wrong time, or just can’t get moving on anything at all.

Management of our entire household is so full of details and nuances. I’ve been thinking a lot about the mental load of it lately. All that invisible work of noticing, analyzing, organizing, preparing, delegating. And there is so much to keep track of.

I haven’t felt particularly talented when it comes to rhythm and structure and getting chores done. I seem to have a lot of trouble finding the right way to schedule things for myself so there is time for everything. And I’ve largely been making up for this deficit I feel by focusing more and more on simplifying our lives. Trying to have less things, less demands so it is easier to get to the bottoms of every pile.

But the funny thing about simplifying, that is a task, too. That can be a chore. That can be a whole category of chores. A new set of tasks to check off, projects to manage.

This time around, as I’m decluttering I have noticed more regular tasks falling to the wayside and a bit of mess piling up. But it hasn’t been as bad as I might have feared. I do feel now that I am starting to see some actual space cleared, some actual relief of needless tension, and the feeling of being a little closer to being caught up with myself.

In taking a few days here to get some other cleaning done, I’m actually starting to feel happy and content about my house, my life again.

And with a trip planned this weekend, I’m not sure how fast I’ll get through the rest of the decluttering challenges. But I’ve made a big push and I can see that we are moving! I should be able to keep this all up over this next month as things slow down a bit for us again.

I do have another area half done to post soon upon completion! But I don’t feel like I need to pressure myself to push, push, push until all those rocks are over the mountain anymore. I have a lot more faith now that we can take care of everything in time! And that is such a relief.

I hope you are all well and feeling capable and comfortable out there! At least some of the time!